


Heaven Knows

by a_lanart - the younger (a_lanart)



Series: Subtext [1]
Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-04-28
Updated: 2010-04-28
Packaged: 2017-10-09 05:19:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/83463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/a_lanart/pseuds/a_lanart%20-%20the%20younger
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>The title and the lyrics in the fic are from the song Heaven Knows by the Mission - http://www.themissionuk.com/ -<br/>There are some references to the episodes Caretaker and Non Sequitur in the fic.<br/>Unfortunately Tom and Harry don't belong to me...</p>
    </blockquote>





	Heaven Knows

**Author's Note:**

> The title and the lyrics in the fic are from the song Heaven Knows by the Mission - http://www.themissionuk.com/ -  
> There are some references to the episodes Caretaker and Non Sequitur in the fic.  
> Unfortunately Tom and Harry don't belong to me...

~*~

Heaven Knows

*

I said goodbye to Libby today. Put like that it sounds so final, so much of an ending, when in fact it's just the closing of a chapter.

It was the trip back to the alternate San Francisco that made me decide it was time to rethink things, but before I'd even managed to get my head around half of what I needed to, we encountered the Botha. Everyone seemed to be pretty shaken up by what they'd seen. Except me. It kind of hurt to admit why, but I had to... I'd given up on ever continuing my relationship with Libby. I'd not given up on getting home, I don't think I'll ever do that, or on maybe seeing her again, but it had finally sunk in that we were... actually, that we *weren't*, and never likely to be either. In a way it was a relief. I've been torn in two opposing directions for a while now; on the one hand there was Home and Libby and on the other was Voyager.

And Tom.

~*~  
Good Lord above  
I'm falling in love  
I'm falling like a heavy black rain  
And I know how it feels  
To be head over heels  
Falling like an avalanche again.  
~*~

Tom. I let the sound of his name linger on my tongue, savouring it. Oh yes, I love him all right. When did it happen? I honestly don't know. Possibly the first moment I saw him. Well, maybe not. I don't believe in love at first sight; Lust, yes, but not love.

I sure as hell lusted after Tom when I first caught sight of him, so much so that I let myself get caught out by a Ferengi scam, like any green, wet-behind-the-ears cadet. *Shit*. But Lord he was beautiful, a pale gold shining beauty, though it was the look in his eyes that captivated me.   
Haunted, hurting, wary. It made me want to reach out and touch him, to smooth the hurt away, to kiss him and love him and protect him. Poor Libby was forgotten in an instant. Then I managed to get my brain back on line and my hormones under control, and I let him become my knight in shining armour. I never looked back.

 

That's not quite true. I did look back. Long and hard. Especially after Commander Cavit and Doctor Fitzgerald had done their best to colour my opinion of the man. Too late guys, my mind was made up, even though I didn't really know it then. I guess subconsciously I did, as I said those words   
that bound us together from that day forward, the very words that made it impossible for me to follow up on my lust for him.

"I don't need anyone to choose my friends for me." Simple words, but ones that laid the boundary for our relationship.

Friends. Another word to be savoured. Tom will always be a friend to me, even if he is never anything else. The best friend I've ever had, and I'm glad of it.

It wasn't until I got to know him better that I actually managed to sneak a glance under the layers of sarcasm, humour and casual geniality to discover an incredibly complex man, with a knack for surviving against the odds. Battered and bruised, sometimes literally, was Tom; but never broken. That he let me see this was so humbling, and made me realise that to have been his lover then would have probably been the biggest mistake of my life.

So there we were. Friends. The *best* of friends, and that was all either of us wanted.

Then I fell in love with him.

 

~*~  
As beautiful as you are  
As elusive as the stars  
As raging and as wild as the sea  
As eternal as the moon   
As mysterious as the womb  
You mean everything to me.  
~*~

 

With hindsight, I can say that my feelings had already begun to change when we had our brush with the Baneans and Numiri. I was terrified; not for myself, but for him and when you feel like that, it's only one step until you're on that slippery slope. I've been trying my hardest not to admit to being in love with my best friend for sometime now, but I can't deny it any longer.

Tom Paris, I love you. I'm in love with you, and I don't know what the hell to do.

 

I can't stop thinking about you, and it's driving me slowly insane. On duty I stare at the back of your head, longing to run my fingers through that hair, hoping and dreading that you'll turn round and catch me staring. You did that once. It was like the rest of the bridge crew didn't exist for those few seconds. I was drowning in your eyes, helpless under your gaze. If you'd asked me there and then to go down on you there was no way I could have refused. All you did was smile that devastating smile, and wink at me, before turning back to the conn. I had to keep to my chair for the next five minutes... Starfleet uniforms hide nothing, and I sure as hell didn't want to display my lack of self control to the rest of the bridge crew. I refused to even glance out the corner of my eye at Tuvok.

 

What am I going to do? I want to tell you, I *need* to tell you, but I really don't think I've got the nerve. God, I'm a coward. If it was you, I'm sure you'd just come right out and say it. Or maybe not. I know you, and you wouldn't want to upset me.

 

Oh Tom, I love you so much. One of these days I'm going to take my life in my hands and tell you.

 

~*~  
And heaven knows   
I'm so wrapped up in you  
So tangled up in everything you do  
And heaven knows  
It always seems to be  
More like a curse than a blessing for me.  
~*~

 

* * * * * * *

I'm beginning to get worried. Harry's been kind of withdrawn and quiet ever since that trip of his back to San Fran. Most people wouldn't notice the difference, but then most people aren't trying to convince themselves that they don't love their best friend. Hey, I spend more time with Harry then   
I do with anyone else on this damn ship, including myself!

Every spare moment is spent with him. 'Let's go to Sandrine's; let's play pool; let's go tease the Delaneys; come on Harry, it'll be fun.' Fun! Ha! More like an excuse to stare at his ass as he bends over the pool table lining up a shot. Oh God. And now? Now he's refusing the invitations to Sandrine's, and I've caught him looking at me with the sort of burning intensity that I've never seen in anyone else, and I wonder just what is going through his head. We're still spending just as much time in each other's company, more often than not in his quarters now, seeing as he doesn't appear to want the company of other people, with me listening to him practice the clarinet. I never realised how much I actually enjoyed listening to him play until I missed a couple of days. Those two days were like purgatory.

I barely saw him as we were on different shifts, and yet all I could do was think about him. His smile, his eyes, his skin, his voice. *Him*. God I missed him. And yet. And yet.

Ah *shit*, try as I might I can't deny it any longer. I love him. What the hell am I going to do? Something is really bothering him, and I can't add anything to that by telling him my feelings, I don't even have the nerve to ask him just what *is* bothering him, more than half afraid of the answer I may receive. I do nothing, *nothing* without thinking about him first. One of these days, maybe...

~*~  
Well I have to confess  
I'm so obsessed  
That it's taking over everything I do  
And for evermore  
Like waves upon the shore  
I'm drowning at the very thought of you   
~*~

 

He told me today. We were having a laugh about Neelix and the hair pasta and my unfortunate crush on Kes. Harry actually agreed with me, said that Kes was lovely and a wonderful person too, but just not his type. I jokingly asked him about Libby, assuming her to be his 'type'. He looked at me with those amazing dark eyes, as if he was staring into my soul.

"I've said goodbye to Libby." That was all he said, with quiet and grim finality. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. In the end I settled for saying,

"Oh Harry," and giving him a quick hug. Oh how I wanted it to be so much more, but... well, just *but*. And all I could think was 'Maybe now... Maybe...' Selfish bastard that I am. And he looked at me, just *looked*, and oh God, I nearly kissed him. I don't know how I managed not to. I'm sure I must have had a really weird expression on my face, but he said nothing, mercifully.

~*~  
As black as the blues  
As tender as a bruise  
You give me everything I ask you for  
As delicious as the pain  
That comes slowly  
And again   
I take everything you give  
And still want more  
~*~

I don't deserve Harry. As a friend, or anything else for that matter. He puts up with my moods, my sense of humour, with *me*, demanding little except my company. He actually *wants* to spend time with me. Why, I honestly don't know sometimes, but funnily enough we're much better together than apart. In everything. And that's official. Tuvok apparently noted we both work better when we're on the same shift. I could have told him that.

Knowing Harry is behind me on the bridge is, oh I don't know, kind of reassuring I suppose. He makes me feel safe, as if nothing can touch me, no matter what the ship is going through. And as for actual work, nobody else on ops anticipates the needs of the conn like Harry. Perhaps I'm biased, but I swear it's true. It's like we're connected somehow.

I caught him staring at me one day, and he looked so beautiful he actually surprised a genuine smile out of me. I just wanted to wrap him in my arms and hold him. The feelings that swept through me were so intense it was frightening, I think I must have communicated some of that, unless, as I continue to hope, he felt the same, as his expression changed. He looked downright startled. I winked at him before turning back, it was like no-one else existed for those few seconds.

Oh Harry, you've gotten completely under my skin. You're the best, probably the *only* true friend I've ever had. The only person who wants to take me as I am, as Tom Paris, not as 'The Admiral's Son'. And what do I go and do? I fall in love with you. You don't deserve this, you don't deserve *me*; you should have someone better loving you, not some murdering, ex-maquis, ex-con fuck-up with a bad sense of humour like me. Still, you've got me, even if you don't know it. The worst thing is, I don't know whether I should tell you. I don't want to wreck what we have with a few words that can so easily go left unsaid.

You mean too much to me.

 

~*~  
As delicate as the wings   
Of the butterfly Summer brings  
As sweet as the honey of the bee  
As miserable of regret and betrayal  
I can't forget  
You mean everything to me  
~*~

 

* * * * * * *

When you died it felt like my heart had been ripped out, that I'd lost part of myself. Never mind that you didn't *stay* dead, it made no difference to the way that I felt. And then we had to go haring off after you, just to get you and the Captain back. You may have been turning into a lizard at the time, but it still struck me as such a *Tom* thing to do. Fancy running off with the Captain... mind you, you always pick the best.

The entire time you were gone, I could hardly sleep for the guilt and the worry, and when I *did* sleep, I dreamed of you. Now you're back, in one piece more or less. That dreadful time without you has helped me decide one thing though... I'm going to tell you, or at least try to tell you, how I feel. I can't go through with the prospect of maybe losing you without letting you know.

I love you, Tom. I just hope I can manage to tell you.

 

~*~  
And heaven knows   
I'm so wrapped up in you  
So tangled up in everything you do  
And heaven knows  
It always seems to be  
More like a curse than a blessing for me.  
~*~

 

End


End file.
